An Apology

Sometimes, there's so much to say that I can't say anything at all. There's so much tumbling through my head at all times that I can't unwind a single thread enough to pick it from the tangled snarl of my thoughts. And so, I end up writing a blog post like this... where I say nothing. Every day I am pulled in so many directions... family, friends, career.... and since I can't concentrate on any of them I suffer in all of them. Changes need to happen. Sacrifices are coming. Though it hurts my heart to do so... the suffering of one will increase so that I can focus more fully on another. It's not a lack of love, I swear... it's a lack of progress.

To you, my friends... I love you. If I've seemed distant it's only because I have to now. Please remember that even if my presence is few and far between... that not a day goes by that I don't think of you, and care about you, and hope for you.

To you, my husband who will never read this... You say that my choices are putting a strain on our family... Without trying to be dramatic at all, I'm telling you that I am trying to save not only my family but also my own life. I don't want to resent or hate the ones I love most because I gave up my dreams. We would not survive. I see this clearly even if you cannot.

To you, my children...... I love you more than any people on the planet. Every day I tell you that you can be anything that you can dream of, as long as you work hard every day and give everything that you have. Mama is trying to show you by example that the opinions of others don't matter. Look at your goal and go forward. One day I hope you are as proud of me as I have been of you since the minutes you were both born.

Forgive me for not being able to be all for everyone. But know that I wouldn't change a thing about my life and the people who are in it.

Burn

I'm in love. It's a love that makes me ache, brings me to tears in both happiness and loss, leaves me breathless. It's a love that scares me at the same times as it lifts me. It gives me a purpose.

I'm in love with my calling.

I find that my time away from set leaves me feeling like a abandoned lover waiting to hear from their object of desire. There's a physical connection that pulls, a feeling of yearning, you wait breathlessly for the day that you can be reunited. It feels like a sickness which spreads.... there is no life other than that. The anticipation builds as at the same time, dread grows because you know it will all too soon be over and that you wait in limbo for the next opportunity.

There's also frustration..... You know what you have to give if only given the opportunity, but the craft is fickle and often stares past you. You stand in the background watching others playing your roles. Inside you harden your resolve.... Next time it will be me.

Acting is a a jealous mistress and she does not leave room in your heart for much else.... She demands your love, your devotion, your soul. Most often she disappoints you... but still you forgive all for those few stolen moments she brings you. Because in those few moments everything in the world is yours. You can be anyone, you are everyone. Bliss.

I'm in love.

I'm in love with my calling.

Rules of Attending A Marcus Foster, Bobby Long, and Sam Bradley Show

I was lucky enough to see all these fellows sing and play together recently in Dallas at Poor David's Pub. It was an absolutely brilliant show and I was seriously struck by how very passionate they are about what they're doing.. It was a beautiful thing to watch.... I was also struck by how douchebaggish some females are.... for those ladies.. I am giving you a quick crash course on how to behave. There are some common sense Do's and Don'ts .... Some of ya'll obviously did not get the memo.

1. While at their shows.... DO NOT ASK ABOUT Robert Pattinson. Let me repeat that because that is the #1 tacky faux pas EVER. DO NOT ASK ABOUT Robert Pattinson. They are in themselves, THE MAIN EVENT... they are fantastic performers, songwriters, and artists.... they are not Rob's little friends that you came to see in the off chance that he might A. Be there... or B. You might get to him through his mates. If that's the reason you go to the shows... please stop it. Go home... watch Twilight again and masterbate yourself to sleep (like you always do) with dreams of Edward. You are a waste of a ticket, space, and alchohol.

2. This one is an add on to #1. Come in closer to read this, it's important.... They are NOT going to pass on a message, your phone number, your panties, a message and your phone number written on your panties to Rob. Above everything else.. they are his friends... why in the fuck would they sic a scary delusional chick like you on someone they care about.

3. Now general common sense rule.... if it's a small venue... keep your screaming below a sonic boom please... trust me... they will still hear and appreciate you if you keep it a few decibels lower... They might even walk out with their hearing intact, which would be awesome seeing as tone deaf goes badly with musical performance. I'm just throwing this one out there.

4. STOP PEEING ON THE FUCKING TOILET SEATS!! I mean really...

5. There IS a thing as too low cut..... if you are CONSTANTLY tucking the girls back into place... your shirt is either A. Too small or you should have used superglue when getting dressed.

6. No glitter after 30. No exceptions. Actually... no glitter period unless you're 5 and it came out of your Tinkerbell make-up kit.

7. If you are 10 ft. tall... DO NOT stand in front of me! And even worse, do not keep shifting over everytime I adjust myself so that I too can actually see the show I paid and traveled 4 1/2 hrs to see.

8. If you think you might be a stalker.... you are. If you DO NOT think you may be a stalker... but display all the classic stalker tendencies... you are.

9. Please stop setting up a network of spies to continuiosly stalk the place and report back periodically so that you can pounce them the second they leave the dressing room. This goes back to #8..... if you are guilty of that... you are.

And finally 10. Actually I can't think of a ten so just pretend I said something.....

So there are your rules... Learn them, Live them, you don't have to love them... but do learn and live them. Thanks.